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A Father’s Day Thank You: 35 Point Checklist

Aaron Orendorff

Fourteen years ago, I read an article in The Sun Magazine about gratitude, diapers, and where love lives.

The article was entitled “Many Thanks: Gregg Kretch on the Revolutionary Practice of Gratitude.”

At the time, Kretch and his wife were the “founders and operators of the ToDo Institute, a nonprofit center in Monkton, Vermont, that [offered] educational programs on Japanese psychology”; namely “a form of self-reflection called Naikan (pronounced ‘Nye-con’), which translates as ‘inside looking.’”

Both Buddhists, the couple specialized in trauma treatment as well as more mundane therapeutic dilemmas through two practices: gratitude and self-examination.

As Gregg explained:

It’s common for someone in counseling to blame other people — parents, spouses, exes — for the way he or she is.

Little time is given to developing a sense of appreciation for what other people have done for you.

And it’s the uncommon shape that appreciation takes that struck me most: diapers.

Probing Kretch on Naikan’s systematic approach to reflection, which usually starts with the patient’s parents, the interviewer asked:

“I’ve heard that a common assignment given to participants … is to calculate the number of diapers their parents changed for them when they were a baby. This seems a little silly. Isn’t it enough just to acknowledge that your parents changed a lot of diapers?”

Kretch responded:

I can’t say my mother changed “a lot” of dirty diapers for the same reason my bank statement doesn’t say I wrote “a lot” of checks, and the deed to my property doesn’t say I have “a lot” of acreage.

Truth is in the details.

With that decade-old lesson on the power details and diapers still pressing on my mind, a week ago I set about the task of loving one of the most important people in my life … my father, Michael Orendorff.

I wrote him a “thank you” letter: a thirty-five point thank you letter. Here’s what I sent …

El Papa,

I’ve been meaning to write you for some time now.

But just like you said six months ago on my 33rd birthday, “As with most resolutions, it took days [or, in my case, weeks] to finally come around to doing it.”

The truth is you’ve come up a lot in the last few weeks.

Well … not you per say; but the subject of “Dads.”

A friend of mine lost his father three weeks ago and—in two separate readings—the whole issue of “resentments transformed” also reared its head.

I say that not as a backdoor to bring up anything from the past (even less to paint this letter with a backhanded tone) … but instead to say this: you love me well.

That isn’t something most of the people I know can say about their father. Really, it’s not something most people in the world can say.

But you do … you love me well.

Still, as David [my uncle] pointed out after your Thanksgiving email, love lives in the details.

So, in the spirit of details … here’s why you love me well.

1.

You taught me what type of salad to buy, and which to avoid. Iceberg = bad. Spring mix (especially spinach and kale) = good.

2.

The letter you wrote me on my birthday two years ago was the best present I’ve received in 35 years … from anyone.

3.

You weren’t just a blessing at my wedding, you went the unbelievable extra mile of coordinating with the colors.


4.

You send me this text when I told you about the difficulties I was having getting my daughters [from a previous marriage] to the wedding:

Having the law on your side statement reminds me of the warning given to bicyclists. You may have the right of way but when 1600 pounds of steel hits you, you still lose.

5.

You’re honest with me. (See number 4.)

6.

You gave me your genetics. (Not sure if that really counts. You didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter, but I’m still very grateful.)

7.

You made sure I never went hungry … ever.

8.

You gave me a work ethic that in every area of my life has made all the difference. (I’m constantly grateful for this one. In fact, I used to share it with my philosophy classes at the college whenever the issue of grace came up. So much of who I am is due to the nature and nurture you passed on. In other words, I have very little to do with my success.)

9.

You introduced me to Jonathan Haidt’s Happiness Hypothesis, which—speaking of philosophy classes—is something I constantly use as a teaching tool and as a tool in my personal life.

10.

You gave me intelligence. Talk about grace and (again) something I can’t take credit for.

11.

You love in the details. Case in point: the Thanksgiving email you sent that was about exactly why you’re grateful for every member of our extended family … name by name.

12.

You and Melinda [my stepmom] immediately embraced me and showed me incredible grace when my life fell apart five and a half years ago. I called you from jail, which I’m sure is every parent’s ideal situation after a multi-year silence from their son. But the way you opened your lives back up to me was staggering. No questions. No guilt. No belittling. No shame. Just love. (Extra love because you didn’t bail me out.)

13.

You don’t just read the stuff I publish … you proofread it.

14.

You celebrate my “wins,” like the first time I guest posted on Copyblogger; even though you had no idea what Copyblogger was.

15.

You (and Melinda) “blow up” my Facebook account with 20-30 “Likes” at least once a month. That always makes me smile and feel loved.

16.

You taught me to be grateful … for small things and big things alike.

17.

You read to me. In particular, you read C.S. Lewis to me … something I’m doing with my own daughters now before they go to bed.

18.

You’re on Twitter.

My father’s Twitter account

19.

You married Melinda. (Wow … I can’t say “thank you” enough for that move. Good work.)

20.

Physically and athletically, you’re a beast. I joke with my friends that I realized long ago I’m never going to be stronger or faster than my dad … I’m just gonna have to wait until he gets weaker. 😉

21.

You’re the best conversationalist I know. I loved watching you connect with my friends the night of the rehearsal dinner, but I wasn’t surprised. Your wit, genuine interest in other people, and intelligence make you (hands down) my favorite person to talk to.

22.

You recommended The Undoing Project at the very moment I was beginning to explore behavioral economics.

23.

You were one of the first people I told about emailing Daniel Kahneman, and him emailing back. I fanboyed out so hard, and you not only got it but also celebrated with me.

24.

You told Patricia and me about Red Mouse. Those stories were worlds unto themselves. Reading your write up to my daughters was one of my happiest moments of this past year.

25.

When you visited us last summer, you connected with Alana about things triathlon related. You went to her swim team practice. You blew her away at Lake of the Woods. You kindled her growing love of the sport.

26.

You continue to email me even when I don’t email back.

27.

This morning — Father’s Day — you sent three questions that personify you and me as your son. The second asked:

“If you felt maximally, deeply, almost unconsciously cared for and secure in your core how would your life be changed? In what ways would your interactions with other people, things and incidents be different? (Yes, another spiel you are being spared.) Or surprise me and say you are living in that state already such that worries and fears and … are at their minimum and hopes and dreams are embraced playfully each day.”

28.

Years ago, I wrote up what I “really want” for my daughters, which echoes so perfectly how you wrote above: “I want my daughters to be absolutely secure, to know in their bones that they’re loved and that they can trust and rest in both their parents.”

29.

The first question asked:

“On the whole, are you glad you came into existence or not? (Of course, I have in my head a long background spiel about why I would ask that but, once again, I spare you.) There were a lot of possibilities when the sperm were out hunting for an egg. The possibility that became the particular you, is that a good one at this point in your life? (Both a fun question and a serious question.)”

30.

Yes, yes I am.

31.

You’re the number one person I trust with health questions and all things “supplement” related.

32.

Case in point, when I went through Natural Stacks upsell and downsell checkout process … I sent the company’s own, my friend Ben, this email:

“I’m having it sent to my dad. He’s a lifelong athlete — gold medalist triathlete — and he’s basically the smarted guy I know when it comes to health and wellness. He also recently started using CBD because he has cancer.

“Along with forwarding him the confirmation email, I sent him a link to the site with the request he let me know (1) what he thinks of your credibility 😉 and (2) what he thinks of the product once it arrives.”

33.

After I sent you the order confirmation, you immediately texted me:

“Melinda is going to try the Krill Oil and the Omega CBD. do you want me to send you the Serotonin Brain Food and the Dream CBD?
btw, the 2 CBD products have 10 mg and 15 mg per dose. My doctor wants me to be taking 100 mg of CBDs each day. A noteworthy big diff, eh?”

To which I happily exposed my ignorance with the question: “Is CBD cannabis? Like should I ask my sponsor before I say yes?”

34.

Your response:

35.

From 14 to 30, I took every opportunity to burn down our relationship. I can’t imagine the pain that caused.

And you? You absorbed that pain — as is always the hidden reality of forgiveness. You kept your arms and heart open. You played the long game … and taught me to do the same with my girls.

Thank you for being my dad.

And for loving me well.

Aaron

So … why share all this?

Because now is the time of year we shop for cards with words we’d never pen and frantically scribble down platitudes to fill in the blanks.

But that’s not where love lives.

Love lives in the specifics …

In the nitty gritty and rarely beautiful details of what actually happened.

Whether it’s color coordinating at a wedding, pointing out the difference between salad types, or counting diapers, it’s not the devil that’s in the details … it’s salvation.

My hope is that you’ll take some time to write your own thank you letter before the year ends.

If you do, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

On this front, three brilliant (and, thankfully, free) resources stand out.

First is Jen Havice’s How To Create Customer Personas With Actual, Real Life Data over at ConversionXL. As Havice explains:

Patching together actionable information about your customers with gut feelings, good intentions and some duct tape is not a recipe for conversion success. [P]ersonas are fictional representations of segments of buyers based on real data reflecting their behaviors. Their purpose is to put the people behind company decision making in the shoes of the customer.

Havice them shows how to shape personas through qualitative research.

The breakthrough insight — especially for anyone without a budget for focus groups — comes from her review mining work, which she’s consolidated into a recent book: Finding the Right Message. By all means, buy it. In the meantime, work through the above article as well as How to Boost Conversions with Voice of Customer Research [Case Study] that includes this free template:

Message Mining by Jen Havice via CXL

Review mining to craft copy is one of my own copywriting hallmarks, especially when it comes to landing pages.

You can see how I created this simplified copywriting cheat sheet directly from “feedback and comments on sites like Facebook, Twitter, Yelp, Amazon, Reddit, app stores, and blogs,” along with what the landing page itself ultimately looked like over at KlientBoost.

Writing Copy from User-Generated Content
Writing copy directly from user-generated content

Second, Demian Farnworth’s Empathy Maps: A Complete Guide to Crawling Inside Your Customer’s Head (via Copyblogger). Empathy consists of two parts:

1. The intellectual identification with the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

2. The vicarious experiencing of those feelings, thoughts, or attitudes.

After a brilliant overview of empathy in marketing — old school and new — Farnworth drops the gold (which you can download as a PDF simply by clicking the image).

Empathy Map
The Empathy Map Lets You Dissect Your Target Market into Four Quadrants on a Person-by-Person Basis

Third, my own The Only Copywriting Formula You’ll Ever Need.

That’s a post all about fear: hands-down the “most primal” human motivator. At the end are thirteen questions to help you haunt your target market (in the best sense possible).

Here’s a quick sampling:

  • What does your audience hate… about their life, about their job, or about your particular type of product or service?
  • What are the real-world consequences of these problems? In other words, how can you quantify, in real numbers, their hates and headaches?
  • What’s the most awkward, confusing, or inconvenient thing about your type of business?
  • What are the two to three biggest barriers to becoming a customer?
  • What nightmare or hell (be as vivid and emotive as possible) does your business save its customers from?

In all those resources, the point is to define your target market as concretely and viscerally as possible.

What are your target market’s mass desires?

Once that group is fixed, the next step is to make a list of all the possible emotions — the raw emotions — that might inspire someone in that specific market to act.

On the negative side, it might be:

  • Fear
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Rage
  • Uncertainty
  • Embarrassment
  • Envy
  • Resentment

On the positive side, it might be:

  • Joy
  • Happiness
  • Accomplishment
  • Satisfaction
  • Elation
  • Desire
  • Lust
  • Pride
  • Comfort

After you’ve selected two or three dominant, raw emotions, get specific.

For example, the most dominant human emotion is fear. But nobody (despite FDR’s sound advice) fears fear. What we fear are people, places, things, and events. We fear the future. Or we fear situations that may arise in the future. We fear loss. We fear uncertainty. We fear failure.

On top of that, every market — just like every person — has its own unique list.

Take the real estate market for instance. What do new homebuyers fear most?

Some of the obvious boogiemen are …

  • The fear of being overwhelmed by the process.
  • The fear of being turned down for a loan.
  • The fear of picking the wrong neighborhood.
  • The fear of not having enough money for a down payment.
  • The fear of something better coming along and missing out.

Whatever it is, by selecting one of those fears and placing it front and center in your copy, you “enter the conversation already taking place in the customer’s mind” (Robert Collier).

Actually, what you enter is the conversation already taking place in the customer’s heart.

Either way, the keyword is “customer’s.” Their mind. Their heart.

Mass Desire in Action

To put a little more flesh on this idea, here are some classic examples of wildly successful headlines from Schwartz’s era that tapped into their market’s mass desires:

  • “Hair Coloring So Natural Only Her Hairdresser Knows For Sure”
  • “At 60 miles an hour, the loudest noise in a Rolls Royce is the electric clock.”
  • “The Skin YOU Love to Touch”
  • “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
  • “Stops Maddening Itch”
  • “Do YOU make these mistakes in English?”
  • “How a bald-headed barber helped save my hair.”

Today, with advertising exposure rising exponentially, you may think that such straightforward appeals no longer work.

Just to prove they do, here is a handful of my favorite mass desire headlines from the web:

Unbounce: Speed

Sweat Block: Embarrassment

Basecamp: Stress

Mint: Relief

Memit: Simplicity

eHarmony: Winning (and, of course, love)

Blue Apron: Authenticity

Weight Watchers: Release

Designed to Move: Justice

Shopify Plus: Easy

Dapulse: Vanity

Apple Watch: Flexibility

MacBook Pro: Creativity

AirPods: Intrigue

What each of these headlines (classic and contemporary) does beautifully is identify and channel one desire: love, greed, entertainment, the fear of inability, or the fear of difficulty. They use emotive language to capture their audience’s hearts and minds. Emotive language that already exists in the market they’re trying to reach.

To breakthrough, your ads must do the same.

One more law about the word “one”

Having generated a powerhouse list of market-inspired mass desires, your greatest temptation will be to employ them all, like a sort of emotional machine gun.

Don’t.

You only get one.

(Well, you may get to split-test more than one. But each ad only gets one!)

Why?

Because in Schwartz’s words:

Every product appeals to two, three or four of these mass desires.

But only one can predominate; only one can reach out through your headline to your customer. Only one is the key that unlocks the maximum economic power at the particular time your advertisement is published.

Your choice among these alternate desires is the most important step you will take in writing your ad.

If it is wrong, nothing else that you do in the ad will matter.

So remember: Just. One.

2. The Second Law of Writing Copy: State of Awareness

We all know how vital headlines are.

As Brian Clark puts it, “On average, 8 out of 10 people will read your headline copy, but only 2 out of 10 will read the rest.” That means your headline isn’t just your audience’s first impression … it’s more than likely their only impression.

So here’s the question:

Where do “breakthrough” headlines come from?

You know what I’m talking about. The kind of headlines that pop up, stop your market in their tracks, and compel them to read every word after it.

Now sure, there’re a ton of great cheat sheets out there to get the creative ball rolling. Jon Morrow’s “52 Headline Hacks” is among the best.

The problem is most of us start out wrong because we start with us: our idea, our product, our service, our copy.

But …

What if there was a way to systematically craft breakthrough headlines based entirely on your market?

What if there was a proven formula to pull your prospects into your copy because it actually started with your prospects themselves?

Let’s save the world from bad content